Pass Me A Napkin, Please.

Yesterday I totally fell asleep at my desk. I must have switched the onion powder with crushed up sleeping pills when I made my lunch the previous night. (kidding) So, I stuffed my face with the most sugar I could get my cleansing-sugarfree-hands on...yes, that's right...a Royal Gala apple. Right about now is when I wish I hadn't started this "good for me" cleanse and was inhaling a mega-family size bag of peanut M&M's. That would tie me over for at least an hour. Or at least until I went scurrying off down the hall, into the washroom and hurled my ass onto the toilet, before my butt exploded from the copious amounts of chocolate. But alas, I have to suffice with the apple and a pack of sugarless gum (which technically I'm not really allowed to have, but after a tense discussion with my naturopath five years ago, he said I was allowed).

Today started off to be a good energy filled day. Right up until about 11am. All morning I have been craving a BLT on toast, with extra mayo...none of which I can eat and I don't even like mayonnaise. I settled for a handful of almonds to try and curb the craving. Needless to say they were as good to me as a rabid raccoon in an empty garbage can.
By 10:45am I thought I would chew my own hand off I was so hungry...I ate another piece of gum instead.
At 11:30 I went outside to meet up with a friend for a little break and we made our way to the Tim Horton's down the street. It was at that moment the strongest urge to puke all over myself hit me. My mouth filled so quickly with the watery substance your mouth fills up with right before you're about to hurl, that I almost had no time to shut my mouth tight enough to not spew all down the front of my jacket. The liquid I did have sitting in my stomach shot up to the roof of my mouth with such furious anger, I clasped my hand over my lips. I swallowed hard. I grimaced.
For a brief moment I thought I might pass out, but I focused on making it back to my office and comfort of my chair before doing anything so foolish. We sat outside on the ledge for a few minutes and chatted about silly things and serious things and I started to feel better.
All this to better my health. Seems like a pretty messed up way to feel better. Maybe my body is just so used to toxins it doesn't know what else to do, except to go into shock. Wicked.
Day 10 is almost done. And I didn't even sniff the Chinese Food my roommate brought home last night. Nope. Instead, I sat on the couch for five hours and thought about how much I wanted to eat it. I went to bed with the worst stomach screaming you ever heard.

More Bubbles, Please

This morning while I was getting ready for work, I washed out my water bottle. I know that I should throw it out and just buy a new one, but these days, that $2 is a nice chunk of change and I'm not about to toss it away when I have a perfectly good bottle to use already. So, I washed my the bottle with hot soapy water for a good five minutes. Long enough to scald myself and watch my hand turn a displeasing bright pink. I shot some dish soap directly into the bottom of the bottle, as well as around the mouth piece, filled it part way with hot steaming (did I mention scalding) water and shook the hell out of it. Instantaneously the bottle filled with tiny bubbles, then lathering suds. With my index finger and thumb I washed around the mouth piece thoroughly and finally stopped when I heard that pleasant squeak of clean plastic. I filled the bottle with fresh water and went to work.
I have since, just now, finished the bottle and have the taste of soap residing in my mouth. I took a whiff of the mouth piece and low and behold! it smells of lemon soap. So, now I am wondering just how much soap I have allowed myself to ingest and why did I not notice it before I drank the entire liter. There's a slight film on my lips and no matter how much I lick to remove it, it doesn't seem to be disappearing. Damn soap. I better not get the hic-ups.

Sleep Deprivation

It's early. It's Sunday morning and it's very early. I should be sleeping. I should be dreaming. But, I am not. I am listening to a Care Bear movie in the background, while my good friends children are watching it on the couch. My good friends are probably just finishing up a charity fundraising climb up the stairs of the CN Tower. I've been awake since 6:30am. 6:30am on a Sunday. I'm tired. I'm tired and more tired. I have a busy day ahead of me. It's raining. When it rains I like to sleep as long as possible. My knees are paining me. But I'm awake. I'm not sleeping. I'm awake and not sleeping and writing in this blog to pass the time and not watch a movie with Care Bears in it.

I've been cleansing now for a week and I'm doing really well. I feel a lot better. Haven't lost much weight, not that I've weighed myself, but my clothes fit pretty much the same, so I don't think I've lost more than a pound or two. Nothing significant. I'm okay with that. It's only the first week. I'm pretty happy with myself. I've been out for dinner with friends and didn't cheat. Japanese on Friday (no sushi please, I'll have the glass noodle with vegetables. Domo.) Thai on Saturday (I'd like the sea bass, but I'll have the vegetarian Singapore vermicelli please.) Both meals are excellent and I'm glad I didn't veer off course. I crave chocolate. I crave it all the time. Mostly at night. Mostly when I see others eat it. Mostly when it's right in front of my face and I can smell it through the wrapper. Meh. Oh well. I'll have that nice Royal Gala apple instead. Hmm. Yeah, it's not quite what I'm looking for to satisfy the sweet craving that is ravaging my stomach. A teaspoon of honey has been my savior on more than one occasion.

I've got nothing else. I'm still to sleepy to really understand that I'm even awake. Maybe when I get up, in my head, then I'll think of something witty. Until then, you're stuck with this.

Vegemite Sandwich

So, I've started my cleanse. I started it yesterday actually. For the next six weeks I will eat little more than brown rice and veggies. I'm rather excited, as I long to feel the way I once did, about five years ago, when I performed it for the very first time.
In those six weeks, I lost a total of 23Lbs and dropped about 3 sizes. Funny how I only fit into those pants Tanya got me that one time. Funny still, how those pants fit so loosely on Stephanie now. Oh well. Such is life.
More than the weight I lost, I felt amazing. Like, really good. Healthy. My skin glowed and was as close to perfect as it has ever been. I had more energy then ever before. It was easy for me to go on my 5:30am runs and train 3 hours a day, 5 days a week. Hmmm. Come to think of it, maybe it has little to do with the cleanse and more to do with the fact that I was only 25. Meh. Age should have no bearing. Besides, five years isn't really that much. Anyway, where the hell was I?
Right. Brown rice and veggies. So far, as this is only day two, it's been okay. I guess it's imperative to blab of how much of a chocoholic I am. And how lazy I can allow myself to be. I could easily live on chocolate. All kinds. Any kind. Mmmmm, chocolate. Uh, nevermind about that. Damn, where are those almonds? Right.
Brown rice and veggies. I can eat more than just that. It's easier to list what I can not eat, so here goes:

EVIL FOODS TO AVOID (or this will not work and you will suck)

1. Red Meat
2. Dairy
3. Caffeine (light green tea is allowed)
4. White Sugar
5. White Flour
6. Yeast Products (wine,beer,bread...Yeast free bread is allowed)
7. Fried Foods (light stir fry is allowed)

All vegetables are allowed, except for tomatoes. I guess they are evil. And all fruits are allowed, except for bananas and oranges. Something to do with them being evil.
After the first week, I can add fish to my menu.
After the second week, I can add poultry. I love chicken.
Basically, anything that comes in a can or a jar is a big NO-NO. So most of my meals must be prepared ahead of time, or I will never eat. Who has time to actually make dinner at the end of the day? Not unless I want to eat at 7pm. No thanks.
On top of this scrumptious list of goodies (mmm, reece's pieces), I have to inhale a sludge-like concoction of five ingredients: water, hydrated bendonite, caproil, acidopholous, psysilium
Doesn't that sound delicious? Hells yeah! (wretch)
You know, the entire reason I started this post today, was to pass along some information I came across about the Vegemite Sandwich. I heard that song on the radio, you know, the one by Down Under or something. The group from the 80's. Anyway, so he sings a line about the lady giving him a bite of her vegemite sandwich. For years I have thought about what the hell he was going on about, so today, I looked it up. You'd be surprised how many websites there are on Vegemite. It's disgusting. Did you know that it is a spreadable product, made from yeast? Brewer's yeast. A spreadable product like butter, or better yet, margarine. One site had recipes for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Example: scrambled eggs with toast. In stead of butter, spread vegemite on to your toast. Can you believe that??!! The thought alone is enough to make me barf on my desk.
That would be fun though. Not to hurl on my desk, but to drive up beside somebody in their car, do the "roll down your window" gesture and ask them if they have any "vegemite" instead of "grey poupon". I would bust a rib laughing at that. Could you imagine? Good Lord.
It would appear that the lack of sugar has already started to affect my judgment. Excuse me while I find my carrot sticks. Good thing I'm cleansing. I'll pass on the vegemite sandwich.

Chicken Farmer, It Is!

I'm going to become a chicken farmer...so I can work with chickens, become a complete vegetarian and have my own veggie garden to eat from. Cheap! Cheap! I made this decision, half-assed or not, while I looked at my bank balance and discovered that I had, indeed, already received my pay check for the next two weeks. Bloody hell I say! BLOODY HELL! If I knew how to make the words fly off the screen and spit blood onto the faces of those that may read this, just so they could get a clear understanding of how I felt exactly, I would. But, alas, I do not know such ways, so I must settle for the capital letter. It just doesn't seem to be enough. I remember when things and times used to be so much easier. So much cheaper. So much more accessible to my yearning hands. And then I remember that those were the times when I was not considered an adult. When I lived under my parents roof and they paid for my stuff. When I had a job and all the money I made went into MY pocket. There was no such business as rent or hydro or insurance, or maybe there was, but Lord knows I never paid for it. Now, believe me, I'm paying for it through the tits. Well, not literally, but you understand. It may just come to that, now that I think of it. Naw, I like the chicken farmer idea much, much better. Of course they would have to be the type of chickens that laid eggs. Then I could at least be an...what's the name again? The type of vegetarian that can eat eggs? I could be one of those. Of course, in order for me to actually become a real-live chicken farmer, I would first need a farm. I'd probably also need some chickens and some feed for them to eat. Hmmm, that adds up to a lot of money I already don't have. Maybe the government would give me a grant or something to start my own farm. I would have to take time off of my current job to look at farm property. It might be a good idea for me to check out a functioning chicken farm right now, so I know what I would be getting myself into. This is looking like shit load of work! Maybe I'll think this one over a little more before I commit. And please, stay away from KFC.

Chocolate-on-a-Stick

I've been thinking. Well, I'm always thinking, but today I've been thinking mostly about my bed and how I want to be in it and how I want there to be a stick of chocolate above my head, waiting for me when I wake up. I've spent a good part of this day trying to figure out how I would go about creating my chocolate-on-a-stick. How I would go about attaching that chocolate stick to my rod-iron bed frame. How I could have it dangling perfectly above my sleeping face and not smearing across my pillow cases. Of course it would be easier to just leave a piece of yummy chocolate on my bed side table, but really, where's the fun in that? Besides, that would require me to actually move from my comfortable position within my bed. This whole plan is to go into action specifically so I don't have to move at all, and still eat the chocolate. I figure if I get a stick long enough, say around 18 inches, and duct tape the hell out of it, it should stay in place for at least a couple of days. I would then need a sturdy piece of yarn, but not too strong as to saw through the chocolate. I guess I could tie the yarn on to the chocolate, but I can see the mess now, and it is not appealing. Hmm, it would appear I have come across a snag in my plan. Getting the chocolate, wrapperless, attached to the yarn, without melting and making a poop-like mess. Looks like this will take another work-related day to figure out the next step.

The Best Idea, Ever!!

So, as I sit here at my work desk, completely bored OUT OF MY MIND, an idea has popped into my head. An idea so rich and full of promise that I don't think I can ignore it. As soon as this day is done and I make my way onto the streetcar to go home, I will undoubtedly begin what will end up being one of the greatest, er, interesting, er, perhaps unbelievable stories ever written! The idea is to write a story about the lives of a few people that have been in my life, in some way or another, for the, lets see, some the past decade, some the past year. Their misadventures, their misguided thoughts, their dreams. To the best of my ability, of course. I figure it would be better for me to share the things I know, rather than leave everything in my head, as I am starting to go insane with all of the baffling and utterly unbelievable nonsense that is renting space in there. I suppose periodically I may post inserts here from the soon to be masterpiece, however I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. I haven't thought about actually publishing this epic yet, so when the day comes when I finish the last paragraph and put down my pen, maybe I will decide then. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll just get down all the ridiculous stories and excuses and keep them for myself. At least they will be out of my head and no longer renting valuable space. They say that non-fiction is often the best fiction...And I believe them completely.

Unrequited

You don't see me
You see through me
And I hate it
But there's nothing I can do

I can feel you
When you're not here
And I love it
Still there's nothing I can do

Don't you see
How you've touched my soul
There is no turning back
For me this time

Trapped in a world
Full of half-truths and hope
Surrounded by fear
Being left in the cold