Sunlight

Standing in the sunlight laughing
Hiding behind the rainbows wall

That is one of my favourite lines ever written.
Not much to say today. Lots on my mind. Thoughts run amuck. I'm afraid to get them on paper, so I'll just let them roam free in my head and wait until the dust settles.
When it rains, it pours. Today is a day such as that.

The sun is shining in the window. So bright are the rays, they stab at my eyes and mock me from the naked cold that awaits me outside. Naked. I like that word. Hmm.
Yep, better to leave those raoming thoughts free on the range.

That Way

I see you there. Watching me from the corner of the dance floor. So charming. Pretend you don't see me. Wait. Minutes pass. Come to me with arms wide open and kiss prepared. Charming kisses you toss around carelessly. I can smell your tainted sweat. It entices me and I can't look away. You have me trapped in your web like a fly ready for the feed. Walk away. I own this space. My space. My heat. My confusion. But still it's there. Your scent. The span of your back. Wrap me up and take me home.

Whoa!

Whoa. I thought I had lost it there for a minute. My work had banned me from making posts for most of this week and it was definitely starting to take its toll. Although, for whatever reason, they saw fit to allow me enough access to read the posts. How that makes any sense whatsoever, is apparently beyond me. I have thoughts to share, but I'm not in the mood really to do it today, so perhaps I shall share them tomorrow.

Nothing But Noise

I have another blog, different from this one, that I used to write in once in a while. I paid a visit to it yesterday and unleashed a torrent of built up frustrations, all in lower case letters. It felt good.
This blog is good too. Just different. I used to use this blog for little musings, poems, thoughts, expressions. Now I find it's more for ranting and carrying on in whatever fashion I see fit. There's nothing wrong with that.
The person who actually inspired me to start this thing hasn't posted in their own blog for some time. I used to enjoy reading their thoughts and adventures. I miss that.
Maybe I need to be able to unleash more often, in my own words. In my Ramblings site, that's where I can be whatever I want to be and say whatever I want to say, without giving thought as to who may be reading my words. Casting judgement.
I'm in a better mood today. Maybe I'll go buy some jeans.
Maybe I'll just sit here and daydream of the boy. Daydream. Obsess. Over analyze. Let the OCD kick in full gear and play on the freak side for a while. I wouldn't get any work done if I gave in to that though. Hmm. Jeans. Riiiight. Jeans.
If I close my eyes and listen to the songs playing over and over in my head. Forget I'm sitting at my desk. In this office. If I open my mouth and sing the words that are floating around. A little piece of me.

Maybe I Should Just Shut Up

It's one of those days today. The kind of day that creeps up behind you like a sheep farmer in the night, leaving you with a bad taste in your mouth and a sore spot on your ass.
I feel like I'm slowly but surely losing my grip on the shit around me. I'm not sure what to do to fix it. Maybe it's just the time of year. You know, the time of the year when things are supposed to be started fresh. Reevaluated. Re-decisioned. Re-nothing! What gets me the most, well, not the most, but a hell of a lot more than it should, is that there isn't any snow. There's no snow! It's the middle of January! For the love of God! My internal and external clocks are all screwed to shit because, I'm almost positive, there is no freaking snow.
Maybe it has nothing to do with the snow, or lack thereof, but I'm pretty sure it does.
Maybe it has more to do with the fact that I haven't been able to think of much more then things I shouldn't be thinking about. Things I know better than to think about. Yet, there they are, consuming my entire thought process, driving me to close to insanity. The anxiety builds to a feverish pitch and all I can do is curl into my knees and wait for the wave to pass over me like a dark cloud.
That bitch.
I want a change. I want it so badly it stings like venom in my throat. Where's the snake then? For that matter, where's my damn antidote? Do I really believe there is one? Would I deserve it if there was? Instead of complaining on deaf ears, why am I not pushing forward with something that is something other than self-destructive? Then again, if I knew the answers to these never ending questions, I'd be the one raking in the money.
I was asked yesterday what it was I wanted to do. You know what my reply was: I can't do what I want to do. Can you believe that?! I can't do what I want to do. That's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard, let alone let spew from my lips! What do I want to do?
Teach? Maybe.
Write? Maybe.
Train, teach and write? Maybe.
I feel I am getting too old to do those things. My creativity is pulsing out of my body on a daily basis, to a bottomless gutter. It's not going to any place that will help me. And the buds that are blossoming from guts are no prize roses. They're more like crab grass.
Maybe I just want to do nothing at all and get paid for it. Hell, that's what we all want. I don't want that. I want to do something that makes a difference. I need to do something that makes a difference. That's what I want to do. Make a difference. Only if I had thought of this, oh I don't know, 20 years ago.
It matters not greatly.
My hands smell like the onions that were on my sandwich. I can't get it off. No matter how many times I scrub with the soap or lather my hands with hand sanitizer, the onions are still there. Long live the onion!! It must be proud of it's stench. Well, maybe. It's an onion, so really, I don't think it's relevant what it thinks, if anything.
Maybe I need a vacation. Maybe.
Maybe I just need something that I can be satisfied with for more than a week. Like my goju. Although I'm not sure I want something in my life that means that much to me...other than my family and stuff. I really have no idea what I want. That's the problem. Always has been. The complications now are that I am getting too old to be having this problem. Balls.
Maybe I should just shut up.
I can't keep doing this. I have to kill off this nagging before I let it take over. I will not go back.
That bitch. I will not go back.


My hands are tied behind my back
The knot made tighter by my own will
The ledge is closer than it appears
So back the fuck up

I'd Like Some of THAT Sex Please.

When is it time to decide the party is over? Why does it have to end at all? Why do I love to feel the confetti drop from the sky and dance upon my skin? Is there not some fancy and frilly way to keep everything in check and still have more fun than you remembered you ever had? I don't know. If I had the answers I wouldn't be asking the question, would I?

I actually found someone with whom I am completely sexually compatible with. I honestly didn't think it was possible and had just about given up hope. Given up hope and resigned myself to a life with less than satisfying sex. How pathetic! Especially since I know it's out there somewhere! But there comes a time when you don't think you should have to teach anymore. Shouldn't have to be the instigator. Shouldn't have to be the more adventurous one. Sometimes it's just really fucking nice to be with somebody that has all the same thoughts and ideas as you. It takes the pressure off and lets each person enjoy themselves and each other, that much more. It's bloody refreshing. Exhilarating. However, don't get me wrong. I'm not that blindsided that I have let go of the reins. Nope. I've just loosened them up a bit and am enjoying the taste of the wind in my hair. And there's not a damn thing wrong with that.
I'm such a suck with certain things. Yes, I do love stealing kisses in the shadows. Sneaking glances from across the room. Feeling the warmth of his touch caress my neck. It's nice. I didn't know how much I had missed intimacy until almost this moment. I guess I had started to get used to the cold. And contrary to what others may think, I'm not cold in relationships. I'm the complete opposite. I enjoy loving one person.

Where the hell am I going with this? Apparently no where but here, which is to say no where at all. Just a bunch of rambling nonsense that has neither helped nor hindered my thoughts. I guess this was just a way to fill up some space without having to talk about how wonderfully delightful my night went, in fear of hexing something that may very well be nothing at all. Sometimes I just don't know when to shut my trap and write in my journal instead. This little piece of work would have probably been more suited for my journal. Meh. Well, I'm not deleting this now and I'm not about to write all of those words by hand after I just typed them all up. I can do whatever I want to do. Within reason, of course. Of course. Now get back on the dance floor and shake that ass like you own the place. That's right.

Roll Me In Designer Sheets

Happy New Year.
I was thinking I might give this place an overhaul and do some redecorating, but the more I thought about playing with colours and fonts, the less I liked the idea and thus made the decision to fight temptation and leave well enough alone. Maybe I'll colour my hair instead. Maybe.

Drive until you lose the road, or break with the ones you've followed. I think that sounds like a good motto to have this year. It shouldn't matter that I'm stealing it from The Fray's lyrics, should it? Naw. I like the way it sounds. I like the potential it holds. I like the promise this new year cradles. Maybe I'll just use the end of that line as my motto. Try to break with the ones I've followed. Maybe it will be less heartbreaking. Probably not, but it is better to have lost love than to never have loved at all. I wonder why they never came up with another saying, something like: Don't bother loving any other, they will only crush your heart and leave you lingering. Too cynical? Perhaps a bit. That's not really how I feel. I always love like I've never been hurt. Fall hard. Fall real hard. But make sure you do it slowly, so the emotions run so deep in your veins you could rip your own eyes out. Scrape your knees, wipe up the blood. Laugh when you want to scream and pretend the tears in your eyes aren't the blood droplets from your heart. Oh wait. That was last years fate.
This year has more silver linings. This year holds truer intentions, or maybe they're just not so sugar coated. Straighten up. Suck it up. Tie one on. Hold up your glass with me and toast to a year full of meaningful and satisfying sex. Well, satisfying at least. I tried that meaningful shit and look where it got me. I've given myself a clean slate this time around. Breaking with the one I have long followed. Even if it was being held on with my heart. Already things are starting to look up. How much you want to bet that the unrequited will soon cease to exist? Especially since the unrequited is not really unrequited at all, it's just young and not ready for love. Whatever. Breaking. Heartbreaking. No longer.
I'm amazing. Confused. Crazy. Refreshing. My veins are ready for a new taste of what I can offer myself. Welcome to the age of coming into your own. If this is what I have to look forward to for the next nine years, I'm thrilled! Terrified. Anxious.
Roll me in designer sheets, I'll never get enough.