Reluctance is a bitch

sometimes i wish i could just go someplace else
wake up in a different city, where the only people i knew
knew me the best of all
sometimes i wish i could just pack up my shit
pack up my shit and sell the rest of my stuff
sell the rest of my stuff and get the hell out of here
but then it hits me
i will never leave

Forget What I Said

I let it slip through my fingers. The small window of opportunity. I saw it. Clear as day. I took another passage instead. Is that what I need to do, in order to keep my sanity and heart intact? Let you slip through my grasp. Watch you from a distance. More than an arms length away. No longer a fingertip. Have I just become too close for my own good? Too close to see what's really going on. Too close to see how you truly feel. Too close to read between the lines. Too close to admit I know what intentions are really there. Too close to no longer want to be too close. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's just been too long to care so much anymore. Forget what I said about me, tomorrow I'm on top of this world.

Changing Seasons

I watched as you fell reluctantly, yet gracefully to the ground below.
How sad it must be for you, to know that your death, although immanent, has no real effect on those around you.
The wind scooped you up in it's embrace and danced you merrily around the sidewalk.
You danced for a good five minutes. I know because I watched until the breeze calmed and placed you back on the pavement, just as it had found you.
Untouched. Almost. So beautiful. So sad.

love...

this was said by a 4 yr old...

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."

All Done

For once, in a long while, I'm not thinking about you. I'm not wondering what you are up to. Not wondering how you're spending your days, your nights, your weekends. Not giving any thought at all to whether or not you have finally gotten a job and moved out of your crazy mothers house. None of it matters any more. Not like it ever should have in the first place. But it did at one point in time. It did for a long time. I often thought that I would never get past you or your memory. But, for the first time, I think that day has finally presented itself to me. I know that by making mention of it I'm going against all that I just said, but I needed to mark this down in history. I don't want to think of you on your birthday. I don't want to think of you at all. I don't want to look out the streetcar window when I glide past your house and check to see if you are standing on your front stoop. I've seen you there you know. You are EXACTLY the same. I have no idea how that is possible. For somebody to stay the same for so long. Especially when they need to change to better themselves and their situation. But whatever. I am no one to judge. And like I said, I don't want to think about you anymore. The space you have been renting in my head for so long is no longer available. So pack up your twisted shit and get the hell out. The scars run much deeper than skin, but I'm okay with it. I'm a different person for it. Good luck to you. Good luck to myself. Almost three years now. I wish I could hate you, but that would take too much energy. The words for you are done now.

computers suck

I find it ironic that I'm sitting at my desk, watching it become increasingly more cluttered with paper because we are having system problems, yet again. I have always been an advocate for the pen and paper, rather than the electronic communication. We are supposed to be embarking on a new paperless society and look how wonderful it is! I think if one more branch calls me to look at one of their deals, I'm going to honestly freak out. What part of "we are having system problems and I cannot access the system" is incoherent English? It's not as if I don't want to help them out. It's not like I'm just pretending to not be able to get into the system. Yes, that would so much fun. Like I have nothing better to do with my time then play practical jokes on branch managers. Maybe if the joke was funny, but seriously, give yourself a shake. You know the most disturbing part of this whole thing? I actually got to the office early this morning, so I could be ahead of the game and get out of here at a decent time. Now, I can kiss that shit goodbye and start to prep myself for the long hull ahead. Damn computers. And yes, I know that I am posting this rant in my web-based blog. I'd write the same rant in my journal, with a ball-point pen, if I had it with me and not in my night stand. Meh.

from content to contempt

It's amazing how much one person can add or take away from your life.
How a daily routine can go from content to contempt in a heartbeat.
How every place you ever went to suddenly makes you feel like an unwanted vagrant, instead of welcomed family.
It's unnerving to be able to sit outside your own body and watch helplessly as the life you once had and cherished, smashes into pieces that can never be glued back together.
Is it really so unrealistic to think and believe, with every part of your being, that you truly know the outcome of a situation, no matter how twisted or far fetched it may be? Only to be slapped in the face with a sledgehammer and have your reality pulled out from under you.
Is it so obscure to believe in somebody so much that if they said the sky was green, you would debate until you were blue-faced and out of breath with any other who questioned it?
Would that be crazy? Or just a crazy way to think? In the end, the only thing that matters is happiness.

breath

If I hold my breath and count to five
Will you calm my fears and live out your life
If I draw a picture of your beautiful face
Will you stay by my side and help me win the race
If I only ask for your hand, your touch
Will you pledge your love, your trust and such
If I lay awake at night and dream
Will you hold my hand or be more than you seem