imperfection

So cocky. The way you place your hands on your hips. The way you speak; like you know everything. But then it's there. That slight undertone of imperfection, almost a needing of approval. The knowledge you actually posses is quite astounding and more often than not, I wrack my brain trying to find ways to conceal my pure admiration. There it is now. That tone. Yet at this moment, it is thick full of sarcasm and jokery. That's you. So complicated but stripped to basics. Keep them guessing kid. Mostly me, I suppose.

And When I Close My Eyes

You know it all too well. You watch the way I look at you from the corner of your slate blue eyes. You hold it against me when it suits you. That sly smirk that can captivate me in a matter of seconds then tear my heart to shreds. I hate to love it. The perfection that sits in the simplest things, like the arch of your eyebrow. The fullness of your soft, kissable lips. You make me blush at the most inappropriate times. You love it. So flirtatious. So delicious. So devious. I love it. The control you have over yourself amazes me everyday and draws me in more than I can handle. You feel me watching you read. You gaze up at me like you're unsuspecting and I can't help but stare as the corners of your mouth up-turn. The heat fills my face and I force my eyes back to my booklet. It's too late. You caught me. Caught me staring to memorize the lines of your face. And when I close my eyes, I still can see your smile.

the bank is empty

One of the hardest things in life to accomplish is happiness. I know this as a hard, true fact. I have come to also realize that no matter what steps you take to make those around you happy, if you're not content within in your own skin, your own mind, your own soul, it matters not how much energy you put forth for others. For almost thirty years now I have spent a good part of this life channeling so much of my positive energy into others, that I think I have started to deplete my personal reserves. That's not to say that I don't fully enjoy making others feel good, laugh, whatever, but I think the time has finally come for me to take a break and work on me. I can still share the love and positive energy, I just need to direct most of it to me first. A tad selfish, yes, but these past couple weeks have been about everybody but me and I'm growing a bit tired. Need to replenish the bank. I've been sad for a while and I hate feeling that way. I love being a happy, hyper, slightly disfunctional person and being sad doesn't allow me that freedom. After this weekend, I'm making it more about me. I think it's time for a new tattoo. Maybe that's really all I need. Well, maybe not all I need, but it's a start. Wish me luck.

The Death of Mr. Noodles

It's amazing how many thoughts can run through your brain at any given time. I thought I was having a reasonably good day, but now it seems like the table has been turned and the chair pulled out from under me. Bloody hell. Maybe it has something to do with Mr. Noodles. I mean, I generally eat a better than average healthy diet, but for the past few weeks I have succumbed to the pressures of the BBQ and have found myself feeding off of chunks of meat and creamy slaws and the only green veggie that's getting into my body comes in the form of relish.

I know that can not be good. I know it's not good. My body is so pissed off at me right now, I honestly believe if I don't stop this nonsense now, it's going to take an irrevocable stand and refuse to lose the 15Lbs I've put on it (a total of 30Lbs since January). I loathe summer. Most people put on weight in the winter; I lose weight in the winter and gain in the summer. Pretty messed up, I know, but I'm used to it. Maybe there is something to do about money, or lack there of and the state of my fridge, the richness of my roommates cooking, the lack of discipline I've been demonstrating. I don't even like meat!!

Have I become so lazy in the last two months that I am willing to sacrifice all I have accomplished this year, just to be temporarily sedated by the quick and easiness of the processed food? Mr. Noodles and I have become very friendly this past week. I haven't eaten that shit in almost a year and yet here I am scarfing it down like it's the best bowl of gourmet pasta to ever touch my lips! I purposely don't go down the aisles at the grocery store because there is only garbage down them...tasty garbage yes, but garbage just the same. And my family wonders why I raid the cookie jar or search for snacks whenever I visit. I don't keep them in my house.

I just looked on the Mr.Noodles package. Aside from having no nutritional value (other than the niblet corn I added for colour) it has 1930mg of sodium. 1930mg!!! I don't even buy canned Campbells "healthy request" chicken noodle soup because it has 920mg. What the hell am I doing? I hate salt. Really, really hate it. That's it. That has got to be the main source of my sluggery this afternoon, all that damn sodium running through my veins and sucking all the energy out of my blood. Piss off Mr. Noodles. Our relationship is over. Find some other lazy bastard to aggravate and drain.

Hate Me

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

-Blue October

brilliance

I never realized how much I enjoy reading other peoples work until right this very minute. I mean, sure I've always known I like to read about what other people are thinking, in their own words, but it wasn't until this morning about five minutes ago, that I discovered just how much I like it. Writing is a gift. Really. It's one thing to be able to put words on paper (or type words on a screen) but it's something completely all its own to make strangers understand and truly empathize what those words mean to you. How those words can conjure up emotions, scents, feelings. It truly is a wondrous thing.

toothpicks

Somebody pass me some toothpicks. I can't keep my eyes open on my own anymore. My head slips off my hand and comes crashing down on to the keyboard below. Bloody hell. How can I be so tired? Really. I feel as though I haven't slept in years. Hmm. Maybe there's something to that after all. Maybe that 15 years of carefree party life is finally catching up with me and taking what's rightfully theirs. Wouldn't that suck. Wouldn't that serve me right. I found a grey hair the other day. I think. Maybe it was just the contrast of my natural mousy brown conflicting with the now reddened shade my locks have faded into. Who knows. Well, if I am right and it is coming for me; fine. I'm not going down without a fight. I knew I wouldn't be able to look 19 forever. I still need those damn toothpicks. Come to think of it, I might as well grab some duck tape too. You never know when I'm going to have to pull back the skin on my forehead.