Deep Down

A year has passed and I have come no further than where I started. In fact, I feel like I have gone backwards and with the squeezing feeling in my chest, my anxiety tells me I am right. Faaack.
My former self hides away under layers of fat and pasty skin. Longing for the days of when I broke a sweat to smell that scent and layed in the sun to feel the warmth wash over me. How do I get her back? The girl I once was. The girl I miss. The girl who spoke up and laughed loudly. The girl who danced until her feet cramped and legs shook with exhaustion. The girl who laughed with her daughter until they both lay on the floor in tears. I miss that girl. I know she's in there. Deep, deep down. I just have to bring her out.

Fists of Fury

Sometimes the disappointment is just too much. The nervous aching in my stomach creeps up into my chest and sits there, threatening and taunting; tormenting with my inability to catch my breath. With fists clenched into tight balls of white knuckles and purple finger tips, I scramble to figure out what has set me off. The answer is clear. It's nothing. And everything. 

Perhaps in time I will learn to cope better in general. Life isn't supposed to be an easy ride. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and relax your hands. It's all going to be just fine.

A New Start to An Old Finisher

I woke up this morning feeling much like I have been over the past few months; like garbage. Overweight, undertanned, uninspired and unable to find the motivation to change much of anything other than my underwear. So, I went into my closet and found an older pair of jeans that I didn't think I could fit into and then I did. And they looked good. Not just passable with the muffin top only slightly bulging when I sat down, but GOOD. I guess it was what I needed to take a strong look in the mirror and snap out of the funk I've been sinking into.

Two years ago I was feeling like a million bucks. Health-wise I was in a really good place. I was training everyday, eating perfectly and getting tons of sun (too much perhaps, but it felt good). Now, after putting on the 30Lbs I had gotten rid of, being told by a Gastrospecialist that I am to stop eating all of the things I had been eating for the past 5 years (no grains, beans/lentils, tomatoes, etc.) and being told by a dermatologist, after she scraped part of my chest off, I was no longer to have any sun exposure; I'm feeling like Sahmu's little pasty cousin.

I'm going away for a few days to a sunnier climate, not beach attire required type of climate, but definitely won't be needing my toque or snowpants. Suffice it to say I'm not actually looking forward to the trip; money is way too tight to be going to ChuckECheese, let alone across the border, but I am looking forward to getting some sunshine and spending some time with my man-love.

For now though, I'm going to finish the laundry and clean-up the house, then pop-in my old Gillian Michaels DVD and let her kick my ass until I want to vomit on my feet. That's when I'm happiest. That's when I feel whole. I have deprived myself of that feeling for too long, allowing myself to forget that the body craves what the body needs. My body craves exercise and sweat and exhaustion and that's exactly what I am going to give it.

Changing Seasons

The seasons change so fast now, it seems.
Hours into days.
Days into weeks.
Weeks into months and so on.
Where did the time go? When did the leaves fall? When did the frost cover the ground?
Where was I when all of the change was taking place? How did I miss it?
Stopping to see the world go round is a hard but rewarding task.

Little Angel

Stay with me a while longer. Don't grow up so fast. We made a pack, you and I, and you are slagging in your end of the deal. So fast your little legs are going, so strong your little voice. Wait for me, my little squeaker. I can't keep up. Dance with me another song, wrap your little arms around me tight. Nuzzle into my hair and neck. My darling angel light.

Stomach-ass Anyone?

Hi there. It's been a while. I was thinking I would start this up again, in hopes of regaining some of the sanity I have lost from having a child. Wish me luck.

So, I have a stomach-ass. A what?! A stomach-ass. Stomach Ass. That's right. An ass in place of my stomach. How, you might ask? Well, it has come about from having a child via c-section, then having an 8lbs tumor removed from the same area three weeks later. A nice little slice and dice of my abdominal. You know, I think I might have recovered from the first incision, regardless of it being vertically, but to try and regain my semi six-pack after being sawed open a second time, has proven to be a true test.
I vividly recall watching the doctors remove the bandage from my abdomen and me asking where my belly button was. Seriously. My belly button was a perfect slit before I went in for surgery. Now, it wasn't even there. Nope. Gone. Think about that. Can you see it? You have no belly button. In place of my one piece of perfection, was a zipper of staples starting from an inch above my old belly button to an inch and a half below my short and curlys. Crazy. So long for ever thinking I could get into a bikini again. Oh well.
It's been about 9 months since surgery and as much as I try to get my old body back, I am not only left with the disturbing hanging skin from pregnancy (carrying around a healthy 7.4lbs baby plus the tumor), I have an interesting split right down my centre. I used to enjoy making my sister laugh by slapping it and referring to it as my stomach ass. The novelty has since worn thin. I have contemplated having a tummy-tuck, but after much consideration, I realized I would leave that operation, not only with less skin, but a perfect new scar. A scar that would very much resemble an arrow. An arrow pointing right down to my sort and curlys. Fabulous. As hilarious as that does seem, I can't do it. No amount of Bio-Oil would relieve that.
So, I am left to wonder what else I can do to rid myself of this eyesore. Diet and exercise is not enough. Surgery is not an option. I know it's not the end of the world and I should be thankful... blah, blah, blah. Yes, it is vain, but you might think the same way I am thinking if you had a stomach-ass of your own to hide the world from. It's not a pretty site. For a while it appeared I had two belly buttons, sort of speak. My original belly button started to resurface after a few months, while the new belly button (the point where the incision started) was and is still very predominant. Maybe I can get into a circus freak show act now? Hmmm. Extra cash is always good.

Cheers.

Baby Girl

In two days she will be 8 weeks old. The life I created. Perfect. Innocent. Speechless. How fitting she graced me with her gracious presence now. Thank you to the heavens. My angel is my ticket in.

True Snowflakes

We danced in the snow, fresh fallen from the bright blue sky above. Like children. Innocent and without judgement. Our smiles so genuine. Our laughter heartfelt. How much I miss the days of reckless abandonment. But that too is short lived like our snow dance. I caught you enjoying yourself, as you. It was so beautiful. You were beautiful. Few and far between are those days lately. I'm glad I was there to share it with you.

My Girl Lost

Perhaps the worst is yet to come and you think it has already been and gone.
A lonely night will find you sobbing into your pillow. All for nothing. Nothing but your life.
Open your eyes and see the world you are throwing away for the lack of another.
Another that won't even show the time of day.
My worry is that you will fade so drastically into the darkness and I will never see you shine again. What a sad waste that would be indeed.
Please stay with me. Dance with me a while longer. The party scheme has changed but the vibe can still live on.
I know your heart has been obliterated. Tomorrow will be another day. You just have to let it come.

Ripple

The water lay still under the stormy skies above. A single ripple appeared as I lifted my toe from the edge of the sand. Soft particles arose from the shallow murk below. A fate unknown. A path already left behind. Twinkling stars cried out in shame. Torment grew nearer as uncertainty set in. Leaves already fallen from naked tress picked themselves up and danced a final show. Glory in the eyes of many. Sadness in the heart of one.