Making My Way Out Of Bed

I'm feeling a bit better today. I'm leaving it at that.
I still feel like I'm spiralling out of control and into the abyss. I'm not sure why that is though. I should be feeling like I'm on more solid ground than I was on last year at this time, but I don't. I'm the farthest thing from that. I've been having a lot of days where I just want to be alone and not answer the phone and not answer to anything and just be sick. But then I suck it up and fight it out and make my way out of bed. For what? That's yet to be determined. Like a new company without a name. A work in progress, if you will. Like my life. My life. Meh. I've found a boy that seems willing to love me and yet I couldn't want to run away faster. I don't think I'll be like this forever. I think it has something to do with the compatibility between us. And the lack of passion I feel. The lack of passion I sense within him. I could be wrong. I've been wrong before. I may not know what I want, but I do know what I don't want. I want a guy that has and shows passion for something. Anything. But I don't get that from the new guy. Is that the only thing that bothers me? I don't think so. No, definitely not. Regardless, even if it was, that would be enough for me to not want to stay. I don't know. I have enough pressure on myself to get out of this rut without having to worry about some dude that I don't even find sexually appetizing. Isn't that crazy?! I think it's outstanding! Maybe after I get my shit together and settle into my skin again I'll see things differently. Never say never. I have lots of other crap scraping it's dirty talons along the chalk board in my head, but I'm not so much in the mood to get it all out right now. I've been making journal entries. Made one last night actually before I went off to meet the Sandman. He and I have been good friends these past few days. Although I'm not sure what kind of good friend sneaks up behind you and scares the piss out of you before dragging you into the depths of the unknown. Maybe I should have a chat with him. I say that, but I won't.
My Gramma came to visit me this morning on the streetcar. I had been staring up at the moon thinking about her when an elderly black lady walked by me, with my Gramma's grey eyes. She paused by my side and shared with me a smile so warm my heart melted. I miss her terribly. And that's all I have to say about that.